Sabse bada rog.. Kya kahenge log

Once again a post on a female and her plight.. And sadly this is based on a true story!

She got married at a very early age, because the guy was good and because finishing graduation was not the norm in lower middle class families.
Her in laws were fairly decent but they could not OR did not stop their son from falling prey to endless addictions ( liquor,  gambling and so on)
He used to beat her up because she was good looking and he feared she might go around with his friends..
She was too timid to tell all this to her parents because she felt - Beggars are not choosers,  we belong to a low financial background,  my father spent so much money in my marriage and now if I go and tell him all this,  he would probably die of the shock...  (Sabse bada rog.. Kya Kahenge log!)
And could not discuss it with mother either because she was already way too timid .... Mother never really realised that she could have some dreams of her own and a lady who has surrendered her entire life to her family (the best that a female could do!!)  ..how would she understand that her daughter could have any thought in her mind to complain about her PATI PARMESHWAR!
Both the support systems which we consider to be our rock solid support.. proved useless ( and somewhere in the back of her mind Hopeless too!)
Family planning usually takes a backseat in such cases (interestingly this should be the most  important factor in case of such people)
Reminds me of Konkana Sen Sharma's dialogue in the much hyped movie - 'Lipstick under my Burkha' - 'jazbaat mein beh jaate hain' ... And she is now a mother of 1 child ..thankfully it's a male child. Gosh imagine the bad comments she would have had to face if she did not dish out a Male child and our wonderful society thinks it's entirely the female who is supposed to be blamed.. Isn't it!
Stupid people Get your science fundas clear - its the "Super Powerful Males" who determine the sex of the child!
Second child and third child.. Thankfully the lady at whose place she worked.. Gave her some vocational training and got her employed at a place which was better than doing jhadu pocha and Bartan.. And the best thing that her Memsaab could do was get her a Nasbandi done! Yes the best thing to gift your servants is knowledge about family planning!

During this duration the husband went from being okay okay earning member.. To an utterly useless male.. Being drunk all the time.. Beating his wife.. So much so that after almost 20 fractures.. Now whenever he hits her badly.. She knows it's a fracture.. But thinks it's wiser to put a crape bandage and get back to work.. Rather than spending money on stupid x-ray and pain killers.. You know why - because X-rays would only prove what she knows.. And painkillers.. Nothing on this earth could now kill her pain!!
She keeps earning.. earning more for her children.. For her 2 beautiful sons and a super gorgeous beautiful daughter.. Oh yes
Her second child was a daughter.. As beautiful as her.. She kept looking to her children as a trophy.. Her sons were good but her daughter was the one who was her pricest trophy.. Beautiful,  intelligent studying throughout in government schools all with the help of scholarship.. Being a champ in all extra curricular activities.. The best that a mother could dream of!
Her work profile kept getting slightly better.. And like every mother she started collecting goodies to give to her daughter in Dahej.. Oh if you feel this 'Kureeti' has left our society.. Wake up.. It's becoming stronger day by day minute by minute and is also becoming the cause of death of many daughters already.. Still this Kureeti exists and is quite well widespread!
In the meantime the father oh Yeah.. The Head of the family..became even more worse. Some days he was found in the gutter and some days on the road, in a heavily drunken state.. And whenever he was awake he used to go and shout and abuse both the lady and her children..
Now the elder son is about to start his graduation and daughter completed her 10th boards with flying colours..
The situation is now so out of hands that the lady decides to give THE HUSBAND a divorce.. She is ready Her adult son and 2 juvenile children are ready.. When almost all the papers are finalised.. The in laws and their relatives come and try to explain the lady - ' Are you crazy, if you divorce your husband and stay alone with children,  who will marry your daughter? Don't you know this will malign Her reputation also alongwith yours '
And the divorce gets cancelled..

After a few days the daughter starts complaining to her mother - ' Why don't we leave him,  why didnt you give him a divorce, if someone wants to marry me, he would,  your marital status would not bother him' but the mother in her mind keeps thinking.. A few more years.. And my daughter will be married and then I would never have to bear this drunken character.. I would leave him..
Almost 2 years pass by.. Now the elder son is in his probation period of job and very soon would be permanent (in some other city) .. Daughter in her first year of graduation.. Younger son in his primary section..
The lady reaches her office.. And after 30 minutes gets a phone call from her younger son ' Mamma - Didi committed suicide by hanging herself from the fan '
And her world shattered..... What happened... Why did she do so.. Why did she not tell me.. Why didn't she think of me.. What would I do with all the small small things that I collected over the years for Dahej... And such countless questions kept clouding her mind till she reached her home and found the news to be true!

After few days of her death.. The daughter's friends come over and tell the mother..
HER FATHER TRIED TO SEXUALLY ABUSE HER.. NOT ONCE NOT TWICE.. but more than that..
And now the lady has thrown the HUSBAND out of the house.. And is deciding to move to the other city.. Where the elder son stays..
My question is -
Why don't we consider the fact that if marriages are troublesome they need to be brought to an end.. And it's not a burden that you need to carry till you die..
Why don't we empower our daughters and make them so confident that they are able to come and confide everything in us!
Why does a Divorce create a more brouhaha than a troublesome marriage..

Why is it necessary to get married ?
Why is the lady going to some other city.. Has she done anything wrong?
Why is it wrong to go and tell your parents that you are living in hell every single day of your life..?
Is it wrong if a lady wears normal clothes and tries to look pretty once in a while - why do we start labelling her as a sexist.. Trying to gather attention.. cheap female..??
Why is the lady not open to discuss the problem that the girl's father sexually abused her.. To the public.. What is she scared of...oh I forgot SABSE BADA ROG KYA KAHENGE LOG.
so logon aap yeh socho k Kab Kaise Aur Kaha Aap kisiki help kar sakte hain..

Don't be judgemental about people especially females (Every individual has their own battles to fight)... If they are married fine.. Unmarried fine.. Divorced fine.. Live in fine.. Doing nothing fine...working and self dependant fine..

Just be open minded enough to think positive and helpful enough..
We badly need a society to get over this ROG.. KYA KAHENGE LOG!

Lost a relative to cancer.. No it was a murder

Cancer the most scaring and debilitating form of sickness.. Just the thought of someone in the family having it makes one's soul shrink.. 

I lost my mother's second cousin 2 days back to the same disease. 

Maybe I would be biased when I write something about this.. 

But this is for every parent out there.. And for every individual who reads this! 

Over a period of years I did overhear my mother and her cousins discuss about that lady.. And these were the reasons.. 

1) An abusive relationship with her husband

2) A bad marriage

3) Societal pressure to sustain and keep working on your marriage 

4) Torturous in-laws

5) Being the sole bread winner in the family

6) Having a son and not being able to move out of the marriage because of him

Or 

7) Parents and siblings trying to assure the girl to be patient,  keep her cool and try to adjust as in the near future something good will surely happen! Maybe something miraculous...!! 

People please understand every relationshop has certain basic requirements.

And this should first be understood by the parents of both bride and the groom. It's not about venting your anger and frustration on the daughter-in-law alone.. It's about trying to understand that the dynamics of relationships and marriage have changed as compared to what it was when you as parents did....... to what it is now! 

It's not about always the girl's family trying to assure the lady to be a little more receptive a little more adjusting.. But it is about making your daughter strong! 

Every negative thing has a bad repercussion especially when we relate mental health to physical health.

Everytime something bad happens it leaves a bad scar on both your mind and the body. 

An abusive relationship is just that scar... And when there are many such scars.. The body unknowingly becomes a storehouse of lack of immunity and hence deficiencies and diseases.. 

The most unworthy advice that parents or in-laws could give to their children is to have a child and everything would be fine!!  Trust me it is not. A child who comes to this world.. Doesn't come to carry the baggage of your bad life! If you already are in a bad relationship never ever think of having a child.. because then as per the Indian society ..females have to keep mum.. Just for the sake of the Child ! Why bring the child to this world in the first place.. Why not just leave out the option of progeny propagation to the happy ones, so that children who come to the world are happier! 

This lady got married, the husband after some time left his job, the task of financial constraints and the onus of bearing them came on her.. She kept doing it with utmost sincerity.. Then she had a child, a beautiful little baby boy. But this was just the start of problems.. Then the relationship with her husband turned torturous for her.. With domestic violence taking a toll on her health.

 (Just think about all those children who have seen their mother getting hit by their father.. These children not only loose their own innocent self at a very tender age... But also develop a lack of faith in relationships) 

In-laws were pretty supportive for their son saying he is facing a state of Stress and Depression and would be fine in sometime... And till then kept themselves absolved of almost all the support that they could render to the lady since she had given them their 'WARIS' (a baby boy...girls in our society are made to believe that once you have a child.. All will be well.. And if it's a male child.. You might be crowned the next Queen perhaps!) 

Obviously the lady's family is a very respectable family and thinks that it's a lady's quality to keep putting all her energy into the holy institution called marriage! Hence she keeps getting a lot of gyaan on how to keep making even more efforts.. And she does keep trying her bit ..and now the son is almost in his 10th boards. 

This lady keeps falling ill pretty frequently but obviously because she has to manage both the house (I would refrain from referring such a household to Home and hence House is Just Apt)  and the work place .. And of course the son and his studies.. That she kept her health issues on the back burner.. 

Just before 6 months we were informed that she was diagnosed with breast cancer 3rd stage.. And within 6 months, despite of chemo and radiations she lost her life. 

She did not loose her life because it was cancer, she lost it because NOONE ACTUALLY CARED! 

People don't care for the godamn society.. 

Think about your children,  Instill positivity in them but don't overdo it.. Tell them to be optimistic but also tell them that it's Being Realistic that usually helps! 

And for heaven's sake don't start thinking of these people as failures

1) Who are not married.

2) Who don't have children. 

3) Who stay single even after being married! 

4) Who walk out of their relationship... 

Nothing hurts or harms more than a bad relationship.. If at all there are some issues.. Resolve them.. Let your children walk out of relationships.. Embrace them, because death of your children would break your mental balance and scar your soul for lifetime.. 

Resolve all the prevailing negativity before some other lady falls prey to the societal norms.. 

Did she die of cancer... NO THE SOCIETY AND INDIFFERENCE OF HER HUSBAND KILLED HER! yes it was a cold blooded.. strategic planned murder...